- Ever feel like you’re giving 10 but getting back 4?
What if I told you the most disrespectful thing you could ever do to someone is give them everything you think they want?
In your relationships, friendships, at work. Or internally when it comes to exercise and taking action on goals. Does it energetically and emotionally feel like you’re giving 10 but getting back 4?
Together, right now, we are going to reveal the two layers that effect everything. How you act, how you feel, and how people react to you. Unmasking the two hidden layers of the word ‘granted’
These two layers FOREVER changed my life and I know they will for you as well.
Layer One – External
I want to share with you one of the most painfully discovered lessons I’ve ever learned. A lesson that could forever change all of your friendships, partnerships, and relationships.
The Empty Cup That Runneth Over
As you begin improving your life you learn to fill your own cup of good emotions. You start doing things you enjoy, improving in your crafts and hobbies. You start seeing more results from life. Internally able to fill your own cup with good emotions and validation.
“Your cup runneth over” you have a surplus of good vibes and good emotions. Naturally you will gravitate towards expressing and sharing your good emotions with others. Making you a incredibly fun person to be around. Injecting enthusiasm, good vibes, and life into the people you come across.
What a beautiful thing…… right?
Welp. Allow me show you how such a beautiful thing can quickly become a poison that slowly ruins everything you have worked so hard to achieve. A poison disguised as a delicious cocktail we will continue sipping until, we lose everything we once loved, and ourselves in the process.
The best way to illustrate this is with a personal story which you may be able to relate to.
My ‘breakthrough’ season finally came. Life had become 10x better in all areas. I was filling my own cup with positive emotions. Exercising, working on my business, meeting new people, going on dates. It was all so amazing.
Life was amazing.
Then a strange shift happened. Unconsciously to me. Feeling like I had so much to give it almost became a responsibility I took on. Making sure everyone had as much fun as possible, laughed, felt good vibes….And it was actually great. All but one person was having so much fun.
Now on some level I was having a lot of fun. On the surface level. But on the deeper level. On the energetic level. I never really allowed space for myself to receive. Being naturally more of a giver personality type, combined with having built a good life. I really didn’t feel like I needed to receive. Never really feeling a need to ask for anything.
Things then started to change….
The vibe’s were different. It seemed like it took more effort and energy than before to stimulate the same good vibes from the same crowds. So naturally my effort and energy expenditure increased.
But it continued on this path of becoming harder to stimulate fun from the same crowds. So more energy and effort was needed. Doubling down and doubling down. This was one of the weirdest experiences of my life. Part of me knew I was ‘cool’. I had to be have been….right? I had built a great life and people had only great things to say about be.
But then why did it feel like I had to try so hard? Not in the dancing monkey, over the top sense of try hard. I am a fairly chill guy.
But energetically on a deeper level. I always felt like I was giving 10 and getting back 3. This really messed with my head. I started to get into this weird trance of thinking. I became self conscious, questioning my self worth. Wondering if all the compliments people were giving me were to fuck with me, or maybe they were just lying, or giving me pity and being nice.
These illusions of artificial thought can, if unchecked, cause a chain reaction. A downward spiral. It’s often how we enter very dark seasons of life. When we get swallowed into a trance of illusions and misinterpretations.
But here’s the truth
After about a year of living this way. After energetically and emotionally bankrupting myself. Spending some months in a dark trance of low self worth. The truth finally surfaced.
The misinterpretations in my mind was all an illusion. I wasn’t uncool. I wasn’t unlikable. I wasn’t a unworthy person.
So then what was the issue? Why was I emotionally burnt out, always putting in 10 and getting back 3?…..
Here is the secret, this is the life changing wisdom I realized:
Being over-giving is actually one of the most DISRESPECTFUL things you can do to someone else
Read that again there is no typo. Being over-giving is one of the most DISRESPECTFUL things you can do to another person.
It’s disrespectful if you don’t allow them enough space to invest. Not allowing yourself to receive is flat out disrespectful. You unintentionally make them a spectator and not an active participant in the dynamic. Being a spectator is boring.
Not allowing space for others to invest, for yourself to receive. It gives them no space to express themselves, to contribute their unique value, gifts, their vibe. Are they not good enough to contribute to the vibe? Is what they have to offer not good enough for you? Of course not.. you’re just trying to be a fun person, a ‘nice guy’.
By not allowing yourself to receive, on a deep subconscious level it is discouraging them to not express, not contribute, not offer their value. There’s just not enough space energetically. How rude and disrespectful to shut someone down like that.
But it then gets MUCH worse for them.
Because of spending time in this ‘spectator mode’. They invest so little energy and emotion into their relationship with you. This lack of investment, lack of equally contributing naturally will make them TAKE YOU FOR GRANTED.
It’s not because they are a bad person, it’s not because they’re boring. It’s not because you’re unworthy. It’s how our DNA is programmed. When we slip into ‘take for granted’ mode, our brain gives us less motivation, and energy. Our DNA is designed to conserve energy.
If I paid you $1000 to cut my lawn, I highly doubt you’ll also do my neighbors lawn. We naturally don’t expend more energy than we need to. Our brain only gives us what we need, and what we ask of it.
One of the rudest things you can ever do to someone put them into ‘taken for granted’ mode. Their brain will literally give them less energy, less enthusiasm, less motivation. This is LITERALLY THE EXACT OPPOSITE of what you’re trying to accomplish in over-giving behavior.
If you get fit, then slip into ‘take for granted’ mode. You enter a brain state which GRANTS you the bare minimum energy and enthusiasm. “Maintenance mode”.
Exerting about 30% effort. It’s not because you’re only capable of exerting 30%. That’s just all your brain thinks you need. Forcing more when it is not given to you is difficult and will require willpower because your mind and body has not GRANTED YOU that higher amount of energy and enthusiasm. It doesn’t see the need to do so. Resulting in low motivation, low energy, low enthusiasm.
You know whats the worst thing you could possibly do in a relationship? Everything he or she wants. It’s possibly the worst thing you could ever do to them.
We’ve all seen it too many times…
The guy will do everything she wants. Putting her into a spectator mode. Never leaving enough space for her to EXPRESS and share her gifts, contribute her value. Her brain then switches into a ‘take for granted’ mode. Which means her brain is only giving her 30% energy and enthusiasm.
Because she is not EXPRESSING and contributing her value. She is not getting fulfillment (dopamine and serotonin reward hits). There is no producing, no possible action leading to a reward of satisfaction and contribution. Which then makes us gravitate toward CONSUMING to ‘feel full’. Artificial fulfillment.
She then gains weight. She becomes more demanding. She gets less done in her life because of this lower energy and motivation. The guy ends up emotionally bankrupt and hating himself because even when he gave it his 100% energetically it still turned sour.
What was the root of this horrible relationship? Doing everything she wanted. It ROBBED HER of her of her own energy and enthusiasm. In spectator, ‘take for granted’ mode, her brain is giving her less energy because there is no need for energy.
When you allow yourself to receive. When you have boundaries. It’s the one of the NICEST things you can ever do for someone.
When they’re with you they feel ALIVE. You serve as a platform for them to express, share and contribute. It’s exactly why I am enjoying writing this right now. This is a platform for me to express, share my value, contribute.
After they invest a bit
*brain synapse sparks*
Their brain sees the value and GRANTS them tons of energy and enthusiasm. Their brain knows when they’re with you they are an active participant. They have the opportunity express themselves, to contribute their value, showcase their gifts. Get natural dopamine and serotonin hits from producing and expressing. Taking that energy the body gave, expressing it outward, they receive back the ‘reward’ hits of dopamine and serotonin. All of these amazing benefits you were able to ignite within them, by taking a step back and allowing yourself to receive.
Of course they will then invest more in the relationship. This investment is like a financial investment. They’re bought in, they truly value you more now. They’re in the game, invested, awake, and excited.
You’ve felt this before.
Ever had a crush and spent a lot of time thinking about them? Then they start showing signs they like you back. Then BOOM…. You suddenly have more energy to go to the gym, more motivated to be on top of things in your life, more enthusiasm and a better mood everyday.
Your brain granted you this wave of energy. And by YOU allowing other people space to invest, YOU CAN GRANT THEM THAT SAME FEELING. Your existence can inject them with energy and enthusiasm.
Not by doing more, not by working harder, not by trying harder…. but by doing LESS.
Crazy how the OPPOSITE of what we think is ‘nice’ and ‘giving’ is actually a giving. We think pumping and stacking tons of good emotions is how we get them reciprocated back. But from what we just uncovered. One of the nicest things you can ever do in almost every social dynamic is allow them space to invest. Allow yourself to receive. You are the spark igniter. You were the trigger for their brain to grant them energy and enthusiasm.
Investing Emotions – The Way of The Trader
Invest emotions and energy like a high level day trader. Selling losing trades (liabilities) quick. While accumulating your portfolio of winning trades (assets)
Lead life don’t follow it. You are proactive. You initiate the trade. Not putting your entire account of emotions and self worth on one trade. A proper percentage for someone or some group you just met. Let them experience your value, share your value, share your good emotions. Almost like a free trial.
Then step back
Allow them space to invest. Leave the door open allow them to walk-in to the party once they got that taste of what your party(your life, who you are) is all about. If they don’t want to come in you don’t whip out the face paint and bowling pins. Juggling and doing cartwheels to convince them to come in.
IF and ONLY IF you really like this person, feel they’re a asset to have in your life. You give a second trial. Maybe the first time the impression wasn’t interpreted parallel to the value you truly bring to the table. But if after this second go, this second free party they don’t choose to walk through the door. Toss their number in the trash.
Close the trade, cut the loss.
Even if you do keep doubling down and convince them. They’re very unlikely to be an asset. They don’t see your value. Their brain is naturally going to not grant them energy and enthusiasm when around you. They’ll likely be in ‘take for granted’ mode with you. Meaning you burn yourself out continually investing your time, energy, and emotions on a losing trade, on a liability.
Take a look at your current portfolio. What are the liabilities, the trades that need to be closed. Robbing you of your time, energy, and emotions. Funny enough though, our DNA is wired in such a way where we value things more after we’ve lost them.
What’s funny is often the people you cut off and close the trade on will then FEEL that space and their brain will naturally *spark* into ‘energy granted’ mode and they will start acting so much better. Very strange how that works. But it is then up to you. Are they a regular in your life or a rare visitor. A asset or a liability.
The people that don’t change up their behavior and don’t invest back, never valued you in the first place. Like a trader no need to lose sleep over it, not much was invested in that one trade early on. Good, now a very bad trade is closed. A liability removed. Your emotional and energetic capital is freed up to invest in people who value you. Assets not liabilities
Quality over quantity. Profitability over diversification. A portfolio of 6 assets beats a portfolio of 7 assets and 7 liabilities.
You don’t need to hide from people outside of your portfolio. But don’t overly invest. Don’t constantly put large capital into trades likely to be liabilities. Your extended circle, people you see far less often simply get less emotional and energetic investment from you.
Assets are your core people you see regularly. The people you spend time with most. Notice that word ‘spend time’. Time, Emotions, and energy are YOUR ASSETS
But wait….woah woah woah hold up wait just a second….
Nothing works unless you do. We revealed the external, but now we must reveal the second half of the ‘granted’ concept. The internal
Layer Two – Internal
Layer one won’t work if you shoot yourself in the foot and kick yourself into ‘take for granted’ mode, spectator mode, 30% mode.
If people invest in you and you don’t invest back you slip into ‘take for granted’ mode. ROBBING YOURSELF by denying your brain from granting you energy and enthusiasm. Making yourself a spectator and not an active participant.
Remember your DNA is outdated programming. Seeking to conserve energy. Don’t get caught in a half-asleep trance of slipping into ‘take for granted’ mode just because things are going good. When your job becomes easier, your relationship is good, your health is good. DO NOT go to sleep and let your DNA stop investing, slipping into the trance of spectator mode.
YOUR DNA IS DESIGNED TO SURVIVE. IT IS NOT DESIGNED TO THRIVE
Thriving is a conscious was of being. It is up to us to remain alive and awake. Up to us to implement GRATITUDE.
If you’re like me you’ve probably heard a bunch of influences say ‘gratitude’ and kinda brushed it off. I never got it, it never made sense to me. It just sounded like positive thinking ra-ra feel good hippie talk.
But then it became clear to me. Gratitude is the ultimate way to keep granting yourself energy and enthusiasm. Keeping you from slipping into ‘take for granted’ mode. It also keeps you awake.
Our society conditions lack into us not gratitude. You’ve been fed illusions your entire life. Living in consumer culture, living in a world of 24/7 news spewing out nothing but bad news. We have a delusional perception of reality. A tendency to lean toward lack over gratitude.
Our survival DNA naturally is more cautious of threats. Our default programming seek threats more than treasures. “You get more of what you focus on”
Constantly blasted with advertisements to make you feel not good enough so that you buy things. This is not to be misinterpreted as becoming lazy, stagnant, and never taking action. I am not saying that at all. But it’s a call to seek the truth. There is plenty to be grateful for. Illusions are injected into our psyche by people with ulterior motives
I see many people who want to get into entrepreneurship that hate their job just because someone told them to hate their job. These clowns you see on advertisements calling honest working people ‘sheep’, ‘rat race’, ‘wage slave’. Making honest working people feel guilty for the season of life they’re currently in.
But this is not the truth. It’s their injected delusion to get you emotionally riled up to then buy something they’re selling. To remove man from gratitude, because gratitude keeps you awake.
Slipping into the default of self attack, looking for threats, never feeling worthy makes for a fantastic impulse purchase consumer.
If you’re working a job. Doing something you don’t entirely like. Have a plan to advance and grow out of it. You’re not trapped there forever. Because of this vision you have the job is only a temporary season of doing something you do not like.
Hating your job because someone told you to hate your job? The reality is most people complaining their job is awful honestly is not even that bad. They’ve been conditioned to trick themselves into hating it 10x more than they need to. Hating something they have no reason to hate.
Those who do have a horrible job must recognize it’s a season, a stepping stone. Hating it won’t make it better. Find ways to interpret the good. Find things to be grateful for. Not because it’s some feel good hippie technique. But you ingrain and cultivate one of the most important habits in life.
Staying awake, thinking for yourself. Leading life not following it. Proactive not reactive. Granting yourself permission to feel good now
“Success does not define the individual the individual defines success”
If you only train reps of ‘lack’ and not gratitude your mind molds into a ‘rich beggar’.
Cultivating the habit of looking for LACK follows you even once you get out of that job. You’ll get in a good relationship, get a better house, a better car, meet cool new friends.
BUT THE DEFAULT OPERATING SYSTEM HAS NOT CHANGED
Once the novelty wears off the cultivated habit of LACKING kicks in. Not being grateful. Slipping into 30% mode. ROBBING YOURSELF by making your brain not grant permission to give you energy and enthusiasm.
Being a spectator and repressing your natural desire to express. These emotions combined with looking for lack is the recipe for the ‘rich beggar’ the miserable rich person. Who needs so much and is never happy. Always seeking what he is lacking.
Not because he is a bad person. But during a small season of his life of working a less than ideal job, some douchebag on the internet made him feel like he is supposed to hate himself and his job. He begins immersing in this content. Cultivating and installing the operating system of LACK searching instead of GRATITUDE searching/interpretation.
He slips into 30% mode often, it takes tons of willpower and effort to get things done because his brain takes everything for granted and only grants him 30% of the potential energy he could have had access to.
Here is the key, the BIG key of why gratitude is a POWER not a feel good thing.
You lead life and don’t follow it. You become proactive not reactive. This makes you no longer WAIT FOR PERMISSION to grant yourself good emotions.
It’s backwards thinking compared to the default DNA. It’s the secret cheat code to this simulation game we’re playing called life. The counter-intuitive like we mentioned in the external half is often the path to what you truly want.
Dissolving lack mindset and cultivating gratitude mindset. You take more opportunities. You take more action. You take better action. You enjoy the action. You don’t wait for permission to grant yourself good emotions. You’re awake and spawn them at will.
- (Lack) Get with someone to feel loved
- (Gratitude) Feel loved to get with someone
- (Lack) Feel inspired to show up
- (Gratitude) Show up to feel inspired
You don’t to wait for being in a relationship to allow yourself permission to let loose and love yourself now
You don’t need to wait for permission from a boss to exert effort in making making activities
You don’t to wait for bad health or a feeling of horrible discomfort to give yourself permission NOW to take action in health and fitness
Lack Mindset vs Gratitude Mindset. You can grant yourself lack or grant yourself permission.
“Ask and you shall receive”
“As you believe so shall be done onto you”
Why wait. Grant yourself permission now. Waiting is being asleep. The old DNA program. This is the software upgrade.
“How you do anything is how you do everything”
When you cultivate the habit of not taking your opportunities, people, and life for granted. It becomes unconscious and the default way of being. Living a life full of energy, self generated energy. Taking more action, better action, and enjoying the process.
Thanks for reading. I appreciate all the recent support and sharing on social media, with friends and family even sharing with your dog.
Share however you choose, you do you. I am grateful for you taking the time to check out my writing. Cheers!